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Letter


Dear world,

I wish I could come out to you as an ex muslim. Announce it like it was my wedding and have you celebrate it like it was pride in a western world. But sadly, I cannot. Not yet. I have too many eyes on me and too many expectations holding me down as the good girl.

I so wish to not constantly think about my identity and how I could wear it without getting shunned for it. Thankfully, I live in a safer space where people may not kill me for my non religiosity but my parents, they're going to be so broken if they ever get to know.

But I can't help myself. I cant live a lie even if it means that it would keep the peace within family but I'm far too broken and hurt and I need to find my peace.

I wish I could scream my identity out and I will someday. But until then, I'll just keep whispering here and telling you, I'm an ex Muslim and I'm so glad I left my religion. You should celebrate with me.

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Dear Mohammed (For your safety, I will not use your real name),

I must be honest with you. When you rejected the faith of your father and my fathers and their fathers before them, it caused me great hurt. The hurt was real and it was deep and at the time, I thought it was an unforgivable hurt, which is why I sent you away, why I stopped speaking to you. But now I wish I had not done so. It has taken me many years to be able to admit this myself. And i'm not sure I am ready to admit it to you yet, which is why for now I am writing it here. Hopefully soon I will find us face to face and I will have the chance to tell you I am sorry. And that you may no longer be a muslim but you will always be my son.

Father

#dearson #muslim #imsorry
I love you daughter,

I have been trying to find a way to contact you since you left. You have made yourself hard to find, and after what happened with your father, I understand why. If I could see you I would, I don't care anymore what the consequences would be. Family is family and you are family, forever. I pray for you five times a day, I beg Allah you are safe, that you are well, that you are happy and that you are not living in fear. One day we will meet again, I promise. I promise.

NK
To my beloved father,

When I look back on my life, all I can see is you following and supporting me all my life.
Whenever you took me to enjoy swimming in the Caspian Sea, you taught me to get connected to nature spiritually and to feel God’s presence everywhere. You taught me to fight for my life and believe and to never give up.

I remember your embarrassment when I questioned your belief. I remember the worry in your eyes when I talked about my doubts, my future and my ambitious plans for life. I remember your loneliness when you realized I am grown enough to pursue my dreams, and when you realized you cannot keep me near you to provide protection against all the odds in the world. And I remember you broke when I expressed my fear of death, because you knew you could not protect me from this. But even under these circumstances, what you taught guided me to the right direction. You didn’t have answers for all my questions, but you taught me to be fair, to be right, to forgive, to love, to be respectful, and to believe in God.

During my entire life, I was always searching for meaning in life. I craved for the truth and looked for something to soothe my thirsty soul. And I found all my answers in Christ. I found love, grace, and freedom in Jesus. To calm my deep-rooted fear in life, I found eternity in him.
This might hurt you or even embarrass our family that your little girl abandoned your religion and beliefs. You might feel shame and even betrayed, but I am sure you will forgive me if you know I am happy and free, and eternal. Your little girl isn’t afraid of anything in this world because she found a loving Lord that she can rely on and rest upon under any circumstances, even in her most frightening journey, death.

BB

#dearfather #christian
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