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Letter


I love you daughter,

I have been trying to find a way to contact you since you left. You have made yourself hard to find, and after what happened with your father, I understand why. If I could see you I would, I don't care anymore what the consequences would be. Family is family and you are family, forever. I pray for you five times a day, I beg Allah you are safe, that you are well, that you are happy and that you are not living in fear. One day we will meet again, I promise. I promise.

NK

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Dear world,

I wish I could come out to you as an ex muslim. Announce it like it was my wedding and have you celebrate it like it was pride in a western world. But sadly, I cannot. Not yet. I have too many eyes on me and too many expectations holding me down as the good girl.

I so wish to not constantly think about my identity and how I could wear it without getting shunned for it. Thankfully, I live in a safer space where people may not kill me for my non religiosity but my parents, they're going to be so broken if they ever get to know.

But I can't help myself. I cant live a lie even if it means that it would keep the peace within family but I'm far too broken and hurt and I need to find my peace.

I wish I could scream my identity out and I will someday. But until then, I'll just keep whispering here and telling you, I'm an ex Muslim and I'm so glad I left my religion. You should celebrate with me.
To the creation of the Creator most high,

My fellow brothers and sisters in humanity I pray this is read with the intention of love and the sincere prayers that the Creator most high guide us all to the straight path.
Always keep in mind that this life is with trials and we will be tested some harsher than others.

And most certainly shall We try you by means [125] of danger, and hunger, and loss of worldly goods, of lives and of [labour's] fruits. But give glad tidings unto those who are patient in adversity - 2:155

People are very quick to form judgements on others, and mostly without looking at themselves first. Being quick to criticize someone, a muslim or a non-muslim, is something to be avoided because we do not know a persons intention.

Do not lose faith for He is always with you.

I pray you all find peace and blessing of the Creator most high in this world and the next.

Your fellow human being that is flawed... a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend.
Dear Daughter,

I know that you have struggled since we moved to this country; to remain faithful and strong to the choices you made to wear hijab. I know it has been nothing short of difficult to stand out so boldly in junior high and high school among the bare headed and bodied girls around you, especially during a time in your life when desperately you wanted to fit in. I have struggled, too. I watched as you cried every night because no one wanted to be friends with "a freak," and how you debated in your head whether or not you would continue to wear it, continue to be a Muslima.

My fear has always been that you would give up on Islam and all that you believe. I am so proud that you decided to search within your deen for the answers to your questions, rather than turning to outside sources who may not understand Islam and therefore judge it and us from a place of ignorance. Thank you, daughter, for showing me such courage and strength in facing your daily jihad (struggle) and embracing your beliefs. And thank you for trusting me with your doubts and talking with me throughout. I do not know that I could have been as brave as you were. But I am so grateful that you were. Because I saw the difficulty of your life as an American-raised Muslima and all the challenges that come with it. And I appreciate your daily jihad and you for sharing it with me and allowing me to advocate for you when your baba did not understand your doubts.

There is always hope. I will always love you.
Mama
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